Reflections on Jerard one month after his death

Dear Jerard,

I miss you.

When I first heard about you and your brother when you were newly born, I felt a motherly love for you well up in my heart.
And when I first held you in my arms I knew you were my visitor from heaven.

You gave us many challenges and joys. Your laugh and smile could dispel the darkest time.
I learned a lot about cerebral palsy, hydrocephalus and the joy and burden of caring for a child with special needs.

I joke that I need an honorary nursing degree from all the experiences you gave me with heparin locks, crushing pills, caring for you.

I'm so glad you came into my life.

I have missed your voice since March 7th when those seizures took your voice, smile, laugh , ability to swallow and move from you.
I miss rubbing noses with you; hearing your laugh; hearing you bang your food tray; the occassional times you'd say 'mama'.
I miss rubbing your head, snuggling with you.
I even miss the struggle of dressing and changing you.

But oh the things God has taught me through you.
Oh the depth of HIS love for each of us.
Your blindness showed me my own blindness and help me see clearer the love of my Saviour for me.
Your helplessness helped me surrender my need to be in control and learn to rely more deeply on my Saviour's leading, love, and plan.
Your messes showed me how Jesus loves each of us just how we are. There is a song by Amy Grant that has a line in it, "beautiful the mess we are; the honest cries of breaking hearts is better than an hallelujah..."

My visitor from heaven, if only for a while...
it's hard to let you go.

But I rejoice you are free - now with a body that moves, sees, talks. And I envision you smiling and so free in the presence of Jesus.

I'll see you again some day, little Buddy. But for now I am left with an ache of sadness and grief in my heart. You are dearly loved and dearly missed.

My visitor from heaven....I send you with a name....

A gift of love to be returned
I think of you and smile
With aching hearts and empty arms
I send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But I'm so glad you came
I'm so glad you came
I trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And I'm so glad you're there
I'm so glad you're there
With breaking hearts and open hands
I send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But I'm so glad you came (Twyla Paris)