A week ago today Jerard died.
Restlessness floods my soul.
I am up at 3:20a.m.
James must be feeling it too.
He is down at 3:40a.m.
sadness and misery etched on his face.
He went to sleep last night holding one of the bandanas
we'd put around Jerard's neck to catch his drool.
He went to sleep last night asking about Jerard's Elmo and he wants to keep it.
He went to sleep last night saying to me "I miss my brother."
He is restless this morning.
I hold him.
His body relaxes
He sleeps now in my arms.
His brother's departure has left a huge hole in his heart.
How does a four year old process grief?
How do the restless aches of his heart calm?
It will be a long grieving and life long missing of his twin.
He went to the grave site with me yesterday.
Sprawling line designs in the dirt with a stick
He tells me it says, "Jerard, this is Kuya James. I love you.
I miss you so much. See you in Heaven."
and his face registers deep sadness
then in four year old fashion he is off running
but not to far.
He comes back to the grave and says, "Are you sad, Mom?"
I say "yes I am. I'm glad he's in heaven and free of pain but
I really miss my little guy."
He says "I miss my brother, too."