One of the summer goals, even prior to Jerard's death, was for Kurt to teach Mikayla, Kirsten, and Ben computer programming. They enjoyed their first lesson! More lessons coming up!
We are also working on cooking skills and piano skills this summer!
Jerard's wheelchair will return to the foundation that donated it to us so another child can use it.
Jerard's strollers have gone to Mercy Maternity Clinic for some poorer Filipino moms to use for their newborns.
Elmo, Jerard's hankerchiefs and one or two toys that seemed to hold his interest are being kept here for safe keeping.
Not only is my heart letting go of my son,
our house is letting go of tangibles so others can be blessed by them.
Yet a tearing happens at the sight of the wheelchair going to storage, at the sight of the strollers leaving the gate for the last time.
And my heart grieves.
I am thankful Jerard is free from pain and a body that wasn't working for him.
I miss rubbing his head, rubbing his arms and legs, holding him...
Grieving takes time
and I press on in my Saviour's love
Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also.
for my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing;
my strength fails... and my bones waste away.
I trust in you, O Lord; _I say, "You are my God."
.....My times are in your hand; The Lord preserves the
faithful but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
.....Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!
excerpts from Psalm 31
A week ago today Jerard died.
Restlessness floods my soul.
I am up at 3:20a.m.
James must be feeling it too.
He is down at 3:40a.m.
sadness and misery etched on his face.
He went to sleep last night holding one of the bandanas
we'd put around Jerard's neck to catch his drool.
He went to sleep last night asking about Jerard's Elmo and he wants to keep it.
He went to sleep last night saying to me "I miss my brother."
He is restless this morning.
I hold him.
His body relaxes
He sleeps now in my arms.
His brother's departure has left a huge hole in his heart.
How does a four year old process grief?
How do the restless aches of his heart calm?
It will be a long grieving and life long missing of his twin.
He went to the grave site with me yesterday.
Sprawling line designs in the dirt with a stick
He tells me it says, "Jerard, this is Kuya James. I love you.
I miss you so much. See you in Heaven."
and his face registers deep sadness
then in four year old fashion he is off running
but not to far.
He comes back to the grave and says, "Are you sad, Mom?"
I say "yes I am. I'm glad he's in heaven and free of pain but
I really miss my little guy."
He says "I miss my brother, too."