Reflections on Jerard one month after his death

Dear Jerard,

I miss you.

When I first heard about you and your brother when you were newly born, I felt a motherly love for you well up in my heart.
And when I first held you in my arms I knew you were my visitor from heaven.

You gave us many challenges and joys. Your laugh and smile could dispel the darkest time.
I learned a lot about cerebral palsy, hydrocephalus and the joy and burden of caring for a child with special needs.

I joke that I need an honorary nursing degree from all the experiences you gave me with heparin locks, crushing pills, caring for you.

I'm so glad you came into my life.

I have missed your voice since March 7th when those seizures took your voice, smile, laugh , ability to swallow and move from you.
I miss rubbing noses with you; hearing your laugh; hearing you bang your food tray; the occassional times you'd say 'mama'.
I miss rubbing your head, snuggling with you.
I even miss the struggle of dressing and changing you.

But oh the things God has taught me through you.
Oh the depth of HIS love for each of us.
Your blindness showed me my own blindness and help me see clearer the love of my Saviour for me.
Your helplessness helped me surrender my need to be in control and learn to rely more deeply on my Saviour's leading, love, and plan.
Your messes showed me how Jesus loves each of us just how we are. There is a song by Amy Grant that has a line in it, "beautiful the mess we are; the honest cries of breaking hearts is better than an hallelujah..."

My visitor from heaven, if only for a while...
it's hard to let you go.

But I rejoice you are free - now with a body that moves, sees, talks. And I envision you smiling and so free in the presence of Jesus.

I'll see you again some day, little Buddy. But for now I am left with an ache of sadness and grief in my heart. You are dearly loved and dearly missed.

My visitor from heaven....I send you with a name....

A gift of love to be returned
I think of you and smile
With aching hearts and empty arms
I send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But I'm so glad you came
I'm so glad you came
I trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And I'm so glad you're there
I'm so glad you're there
With breaking hearts and open hands
I send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But I'm so glad you came (Twyla Paris)

New Family Photo

Jerardy's Not In There

James asks/states "Jerardy's not in there!? Jerardy died." as he
looks at this recent photo taken while we were at Eden Nature Park.
And sadness etches on his face. Tears are in his eyes.
He accepts a hug from me, runs off to get his Tigger, returns
to my lap and snuggles for a while.

Pray for James and for all of us as we process our grief at the loss of Jerard.

Psalm 102

102 Hear my prayer, O Lord;
let my cry come to you!
2 Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress!
Incline your ear to me; answer me speedily in the day when I call!

3 For my days pass away like smoke, and my bones burn like a furnace.
4 My heart is struck down like grass and has withered; I forget to eat my bread.
5 Because of my loud groaning my bones cling to my flesh.
6 I am like a desert owl of the wilderness, like an owl[a] of the waste places;
7 I lie awake; I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop......

11 My days are like an evening shadow; I wither away like grass.

12 But you, O Lord, are enthroned forever; you are remembered throughout all generations.
13 You will arise and have pity on Zion; ........

17 he regards the prayer of the destitute and does not despise their prayer.

18 Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord:
19 that he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the Lord looked at the earth,
20 to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die,
21 that they may declare in Zion the name of the Lord, and in Jerusalem his praise,
22 when peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the Lord.

23 He has broken my strength in midcourse; he has shortened my days.
24 "O my God," I say, "take me not away in the midst of my days--
you whose years endure throughout all generations!"

25 Of old you laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands.
26 They will perish, but you will remain; they will all wear out like a garment.
You will change them like a robe, and they will pass away,
27 but you are the same, and your years have no end.
28 The children of your servants shall dwell secure; their offspring shall be established before you.

Eden Nature Park June 2012

A friend took us to Eden Nature Park for a three day getaway. It was very enjoyable. Nice to be in cooler weather!

(more photos can be found at my facebook account)