IV tubing, cookies and Advent

cleaning out the kitchen cabinets yesterday, looking for the
Christmas cookie cutters, I came across
IV tubing from Jerard's last hospitalization when he came home
with an IV for us to continue his medicines.
I thought I'd thrown that out a long time ago.

Tears ran down my face as I held that tubing, remembering
my little guy, his smile, his patience, his soft breath on my neck
when I held him.
And for a while I really missed the sleepless nights and
getting up at various hours of the night to give him
medicines and snuggles.

I hugged the tubing to my body before putting it into the
outgoing trash.

letting go and moving on.

Grief ebbs and flows.

someone recently emailed me that it would be great for Jerard
this holiday season to be spending his first Christmas in heaven
with the Reason for the season.

Yes, it's great Jerard is in Heaven. But there are moments
my momma heart really misses him.

His brother misses him, too. We were baking cookies and he
spontaneously said to me, "I miss my brother."

I hugged him. We took a picture of Jerard and the figurines
representing each of my children...
and soon he was busy having fun rolling out the
dough, eating the dry flour (he says it tastes good), taking
cookies off the trays after they were baked.

In a couple days we will frost the cookies as a family;
and James will be having a frosting party with some friends,

Life goes on.
Grief ebbs and flows.
Jerard is missed and yet there is a thankfulness he is no
longer trapped in a body not working right for him. He is
with Jesus!!!

Advent is the preparation of Christ coming as a baby.

John Piper wrote a great poem - I share it with you, now...

Advent Beauty
Tilting on her yearly track
Advent beauty circles back,
Flying faster with the years,
Hardly giving time for tears
First to dry upon the cheek--
Has it been more than a week
_Since we laid both young and old_

In the ground now winter cold?

Has there really been a spring
When the birds began to sing?
Has there been both summer, fall
Since the Baby in the stall
Called us with a Christmas bell
to sing, O Come, Immanuel?
Tilting on her yearly track
Advent beauty circles back,
Flying faster with the years--
Ah, but overtaking fears.
Let the Lord of advent lift
Every care (an early gift!);
See the Savior and the Son
Shine in advent candle one.